I wasn’t planning to write about this.
But I feel like I need to.
Not because I have everything figured out, but maybe because someone out there might be going through something similar, and I know how quiet this kind of experience can feel.
I was diagnosed with diabetes years ago, around 2013.
When I got pregnant with my first child in 2012, I already had difficulty managing my blood sugar. It wasn’t easy, but somehow, everything still turned out okay. My baby was born healthy, and after that my blood sugar returned to normal.
At that time, I thought that was a good sign.
But I was also told that if I wanted to have another healthy pregnancy in the future, I would need to make serious lifestyle changes.
So I tried.
I watched what I ate, tried different workouts, followed routines I found online, and did what I could to stay consistent. Some worked for a while, some didn’t. It felt like I was always trying to catch up to something I couldn’t fully control.
Around May 2018, I made stricter changes.
I replaced rice with sweet potatoes, avoided sugar as much as I could, and tried to stay within healthier options. I managed to lose weight, from 60 kg to 55 kg. My waistline reduced, and for the first time in a while, I felt like I was doing something right.
I felt good about it.
Then sometime in July, during our annual physical exam at work, I found out that glucose was present in my urine.
I got worried, but I didn’t act on it immediately. Work was demanding at the time, and I kept putting it off.
By August, I finally decided to get checked.
The doctor requested tests, fasting blood sugar, HbA1c, and urinalysis.
When I got the results, I was shocked.
My blood sugar levels were high. Much higher than normal. And the glucose in my urine was still there.
At the same time, my period was delayed.
I started taking pregnancy tests.
One after another. Different brands. I think I used more than ten in total over a couple of weeks.
All of them were negative.
By the last week of August, I decided to see an OB-GYN. But before I could go, I started bleeding.
It felt like a normal period at first.
I remember feeling relieved.
So I didn’t go to the doctor anymore.
On the fourth day, something felt different.
There was a sudden passage of a large clot, and I knew that wasn’t normal.
That was when I decided to go to the OB-GYN immediately.
I had blood tests and a transvaginal ultrasound done.
The next day, I was told that I had a miscarriage.
What made it harder to process was that I didn’t even know I was pregnant.
I kept thinking about it after.
It was my body. I felt like I should have known. I should have noticed something.
But I didn’t.
And that thought stayed with me.
Later on, I was told that it wasn’t a viable pregnancy.
That my condition, especially my uncontrolled blood sugar, could have affected it.
I didn’t know what to feel about that.
Part of me tries to understand it logically.
But another part of me is still just… sad.
I had a Dilatation and Curettage procedure on September 13.
I’m still recovering from it.
Physically, and in other ways I can’t fully explain yet.
I don’t think I’ve fully accepted everything.
Some moments feel okay. Some don’t.
I still have a lot of questions in my head.
But I also know that I’m not going through this alone.
I have my partner, and my family.
And right now, that’s what I’m holding on to.
If there’s anything I can say from this experience, it’s this:
Health matters more than we think, especially when planning for something as important as pregnancy.
There are things we cannot control.
But there are also things we can take care of earlier.
I don’t know what the next steps will fully look like yet.
I’ll be seeing my doctors again soon, and I know there are changes I need to make moving forward.
For now, I’m just taking things one day at a time.
And hoping that someday, when I’m healthier, things will be different.
“If you love your work, don’t forget to take care of your health. You will always need it.”
